Cocoon (My Conversion Story Part 2)


Also Part One and Part Three

Soon I began to struggle with sin.  I was unhappy again, big surprise.  I began to want things that I knew were wrong and sinful.  I started to question why many things were considered sin.  I thought, “God is pretty strict.”  I wondered “how am I hurting anyone with my sins?”  So many questions and statement like this were running through my head.  I began to believe contradicting ideas.  I was living in torment, all in my head.  I knew with my reason that God is right and I was wrong but I was stuck.  I also began to not like my husband very much.  I thought He needed to change.  I thought everyone should change so I could be happy.  Then Fr. Muir came to St. Rose and I saw in him something I have always longed for, Joy!  He radiated pure Joy and Love.  I wanted what he had.

I began going to confession but would fall right back into sin and wrong thinking.  I was desperate.  I began to read books again.  Fr. Muir offered the Jesus Shock book class.  I went to that.  I started going to adoration.  I had never done that before.  I didn’t even know what to do there.  I would pray for about 5 minutes and then read my books.  I would try to get to Joey’s school early and go to adoration.  I tried for an hour but usually it was shorter.  I read Tattoos On The HeartThe Examen Prayer and Ordinary Lives Extraordinary Mission.  Soon I found myself making it to adoration in time for a whole hour.  Then soon after that it was more than an hour.  Everyday.  Sometimes it felt like I was only shallow breathing until I walked into the Chapel and breathed in God’s love and grace.  I was getting better but I was still fragile.  I was afraid if I didn’t have my adoration time I would fall away again.

At this point I was all in!  But I could still go almost a whole day without thinking about God or talking to him.  I tried to do things myself to fix this.  I hung banners in my house of the liturgical seasons.  I wrote notes on my mirror to myself.  I got a tattoo of a Cross on my heart.  I downloaded the liturgical calendar to my ICal.  I still couldn’t fix this.  So I confessed it.  Fr. Muir said, “It is a grace from God to think of Him and to pray daily.  Ask Him for it.”  And so I did.  And so God did!

A diagram of who I am now. (from my journal)

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Part 3

 


2 thoughts on “Cocoon (My Conversion Story Part 2)”

  1. your honesty rings loud and true … Father Muir touches all who come in contact with him … because he radiates God’s love for all ..

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