Soon I began to struggle with sin. I was unhappy again, big surprise. I began to want things that I knew were wrong and sinful. I started to question why many things were considered sin. I thought, “God is pretty strict.” I wondered “how am I hurting anyone with my sins?” So many questions and statement like this were running through my head. I began to believe contradicting ideas. I was living in torment, all in my head. I knew with my reason that God is right and I was wrong but I was stuck. I also began to not like my husband very much. I thought He needed to change. I thought everyone should change so I could be happy. Then Fr. Muir came to St. Rose and I saw in him something I have always longed for, Joy! He radiated pure Joy and Love. I wanted what he had.
I began going to confession but would fall right back into sin and wrong thinking. I was desperate. I began to read books again. Fr. Muir offered the Jesus Shock book class. I went to that. I started going to adoration. I had never done that before. I didn’t even know what to do there. I would pray for about 5 minutes and then read my books. I would try to get to Joey’s school early and go to adoration. I tried for an hour but usually it was shorter. I read Tattoos On The Heart, The Examen Prayer and Ordinary Lives Extraordinary Mission. Soon I found myself making it to adoration in time for a whole hour. Then soon after that it was more than an hour. Everyday. Sometimes it felt like I was only shallow breathing until I walked into the Chapel and breathed in God’s love and grace. I was getting better but I was still fragile. I was afraid if I didn’t have my adoration time I would fall away again.
At this point I was all in! But I could still go almost a whole day without thinking about God or talking to him. I tried to do things myself to fix this. I hung banners in my house of the liturgical seasons. I wrote notes on my mirror to myself. I got a tattoo of a Cross on my heart. I downloaded the liturgical calendar to my ICal. I still couldn’t fix this. So I confessed it. Fr. Muir said, “It is a grace from God to think of Him and to pray daily. Ask Him for it.” And so I did. And so God did!
A diagram of who I am now. (from my journal)
Psalm 34:4 — I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.